Empaths are more than empaths. Like a HSP (highly sensitive person), they are highly attuned to the stimuli and emotions and energy of other people, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They can be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let us first consider some definitions. An HSP has a rich inner life and a deep central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. So an HSP can also be an empath, but encompasses more attributes. A codependent is someone whose feelings, thoughts, and actions revolve around another person.

Empaths and Codependency
A codependent does not need to be an empath and an empath does not need to be a codependent. Some people justify or glorify their codependency on the grounds that they are empathic; however, codependency is something very specific. Your focus may revolve around another person, without really empathizing with what that person is experiencing. Codependents might do that to find out the other person’s mood and then gauge how to react and like them. They may not know their own feelings or what the other person feels or cares very much about; especially if their behavior is causing them pain; for example, due to addiction, abuse, or if the person is emotionally unavailable.

In contrast, an empath may be attuned to another person’s feelings, but also very aware of their own and not change their behavior to manipulate the situation. They can express affection or offer help, but they also have firm limits to protect themselves and not to exceed. They may also realize that the other person is not ready to receive or want help. If they feel unsafe or abused, they may leave the person to protect themselves. In other words, an empath can have healthy boundaries and not necessarily put the other person’s well-being above their own.

Many times empaths become healers and have to learn to protect their energy field so as not to absorb negative energy from people in their personal and professional relationships. He was an empath and HSP growing up, but didn’t know it. From a very young age I became very interested in the psyche and dreams and then I had psychic experiences. Looking back, the signs were there of being sensitive to loud noises, pungent odors, nylon stockings and scratchy fabric, and other people’s energy and feelings. Although I wasn’t shy, I now understand why I preferred nature to cities and disliked shopping malls and crowds, preferring small shops, intimate gatherings, and sitting in front of the class and along the aisle in movie theaters.

I was also codependent. Having had a controlling and narcissistic mother, my voice and my real, authentic self were crushed. I learned to ignore my feelings and needs and accommodate those of other people in close relationships. Naturally, I was considered “too” sensitive.

abusive relationships
Codependent empaths have the dual problem of weak boundaries and disconnection from themselves, while being highly sensitive to other people. They are vulnerable to abuse for several reasons:

They seek love and intimacy, but shame makes it difficult for them to receive

They feel the abuser’s suffering and may mistake it for love.

They are very understanding, which fuels their denial of the abuse.

They are very forgiving, so please excuse the abuse.

They are harder on themselves, so they blame themselves for other people’s feelings and actions.

His denial fuels his inclination to give and wait endlessly for someone to change.

They minimize their own needs and feelings.

They are introspective, find faults and try to improve,

They are sponges for negative energy and may not realize it is coming from the other person.

Due to weak boundaries, they do not protect themselves.

They absorb shame and criticism from abusers, due to their poor boundaries.

They naturally want to help and heal people who are suffering, especially people with problems.

They focus on the needs of other people and give abusers and narcissists the attention they love.

Needy addicts and people with personality disorders, such as narcissists, are drawn to empaths looking for love, understanding, and attention to help with their suffering.

Empaths can be sucked into feeling sympathy for addicts and people with borderline personality disorders who play the victim with stories of affliction. They then feel responsible and cannot leave because their sick peers behave in such needy and dependent ways, sometimes threatening suicide or self-destructive behavior, while stating how important empathy is to them.

Empaths and recovery from codependency
Codependency recovery work has allowed me to empathize with myself and others without giving up my needs and wants. Regaining the lost connection with myself, I no longer tolerate drama, get along, and feel comfortable setting boundaries with other people.

recovery stepsinclude:

Reconnect with yourself.

Identify your feelings and needs.

Honor them.

Learn to express them and get to know them.

Learn to set limits.

Develop self-esteem, self-esteem and self-care skills.

Do the exercises to overcome shame, Self Love Meditation and learn to be assertive and stand up for yourself.

© 2021 Darlene Lancer