”Mommy, mommy, mommy come ooo, yellow anty is dragging broda Ezeashi’s ‘handbrake’ oooo. She says she’d cut off his ‘lugi’ ooo she’s dragging it like she wants to take it off.”

Little Kelechukwu ran off in the direction from which he had come. I followed immediately, my inner instinct telling me that Eziashi Austine was at it again, but this time I was going to tell him what he thought. The fact that he is the only boy in the family should not be a measuring stick for him to always misbehave. If he wasn’t smoking igbo in the bathroom, he’d be drinking Alomo in the kitchen, or smelling daddy’s snuff in the cupboard… in a house full of kids! ha ha na, he was getting too much, who knows what he has done this time.

kelechukwu stopped in front of Austin’s room, I stopped too. My nose caught a strange smell, something smelled like cucumbers in oil (not the Anambra kind).

I peered into the room, intending to catch the rogue unawares. It seemed like I was in the middle of a heated argument with someone, and I quickly opened the door to avoid any physical confrontation.

”walahi, my moni must be completed before I leave here… if not, heaven will receive a visitor without a third leg and Insah Allah, I know it would not be me.

I opened my mouth in shock, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Standing menacingly close to Austin was a tall, very clean blonde girl, as fresh as a yellow papaya, she was dressed like one of those girls in the Playboy mansion, and by the gods! She had Austin’s ‘Handbrake’ in her slim, steady hands!

From the looks of things, Austin wasn’t enjoying the ‘jerk off’. His face was contorted like a mallam’s ‘yansh’ when he’s ‘shitting’ hard shit. His eyes looked at me pleadingly, begging me to come to his aid.

I quickly ran to separate the fighting duo.

“Ka chineke ne me si ugwu… What the hell is going on here?

eeeeehhhh… young lady, do you want to kill my only brother for me?

Can someone tell me what’s going on here?” I yelled.

Austin started muttering incomprehensibly between heavy gasps.

‘it is… this, this, they were almajiri…

The girl interrupted him immediately…

“Auntie, tell this useless brother of yours to pay me my money ooo, let him pay me my 100k before the heavy kasala breaks loose here today ooo…con.”

You know the part where they say ‘Blood is thicker than water? Well, it’s actually very true because even though Austin was wrong, the blood in me prompted me to defend him.

“Abeg Abeg Abeg…Who is your aunt? Hey, answer me! Let Thunda break the balls that produced the dirty mouth you just used to call my brother useless…Are you crazy please if you don’t know as?” to talk just shut up and get out!

The young woman was taken by surprise, she calmed down and with tears in her eyes she explained what happened the night before… I was surprised beyond expression.

I paused, looking from person to person, my mouth slowly falling open as the situation of things began to unfold.

It seemed like Austin had regained his strength, so I asked him to explain his own side of the ‘Nigerian movie’ unfolding before me…

“Aunty, don’t listen to this criminal oooo… I saw her on the street, I toasted her oooo and she agreed to be my friend. We got home and ‘helped each other’ now she is asking for money. I told her she told her ‘I liked it better for free’, real men don’t pay for sex, why should I? After all, she enjoyed it too.”

“Thunder fire you’re a dirty mouth!… Free… eehhhh! He’ll be like saying you’re crazy, who do you toast to? Am I like your level to you? Boy if you don’t pay me my money sharp sharp gbege go gas over here na na” yelled the girl now very wild.

The little kelechi laughed… ‘Uncle pays him money oooo… don’t you know that even touching the body doesn’t add money for the market?

Come closer you dirty mouth day, I yelled at him… the little boy was still laughing as Austin ran to hide behind me. The young rascal lacked the courage of a man, but he was always doing things meant for strong men.

Nedu eeeee (I called him by his pet name) eeh… so this is what you do now? Is this what you spend the little pocket money I give you? now you bring prostitutes home eh. Austin oooo, where did you learn this ooo…

“Ehhhn, abeg, abeg, abeg, I will not be a prostitute ooo, I am a professional sex therapist, please. I refuse and I refuse to be treated as a prostitute abeg”, replied the blonde girl.

‘Ehhhh, chisos ooo., the wonders will never end. So prostitution has now turned professional chai…what won’t I see in this country, I said as I crossed my arms over my breast ‘pimple’.

I turned to my very scared brother; Austin, do you employ the services of a sex therapist now? I asked the scared young man with my finger pointing at his ‘handbrake’

‘hmmmm… well, since you enjoyed the services of this young lady, I think you should pay her well without further delay because ‘where the person works I’m dey chop’… saying that, I closed the door on them and dragged kelechi away from a scene that was obviously going to get complicated.

Two hours later, Austin arrived in the backyard with a swollen eye and missing his gold wristwatch and necklace.

”chai auntie… walahi, Kano girls are crazy people oooo, that girl almost killed me…

I looked at him blankly, although he did the wrong thing, but I just didn’t dare to reprimand the young rascal. He was sweet and looked so innocent, besides being the only brother he had. I just wished I could change him so that he was the responsible young man my father always wanted him to be…

As I stood there looking at it, my mind flashed back to my younger days as a teenager. He was about the same age as Eziashi Austine when I met Obinna, he was every woman’s dream… tall, handsome, dark ebony, with a smile that could melt even Jessica Korchia’s heart. I had instantly fallen in love with him.

Obinna did things most guys wouldn’t dare to do… she cooked me surprise meals, rinsed my clothes while she was doing the laundry, and even put on my makeup every morning. Her generosity knew no bounds to me and my friends. I felt on top of the world… like Queen Elizabeth on Mount Everest…

All went well and smoothly between us until I missed my period… then I saw a whole new Obinna, a beast in the flesh of Prince Charming.