I recently had the opportunity to meet with a divorced couple and their four children. The children ranged in age from adolescence to late adolescence. The family unit was in crisis due to the divorce and the way it was handled. I’m sure the cost was over $ 100,000 for both parties, which is certainly a lot of money. This could have been resolved for less than $ 10,000 in mediation. The litigation dragged on due to the enmity of the lawyers, the frustration and anger of the participants, and the turbulence created by the process. Sometimes it is not the family that is causing the biggest problem, but the policies and methods of the advocates themselves. Are children on the top list in the litigated divorce model or in the mediation process? Do children do better in a disputed or mediated divorce?

For those who don’t know, in the litigated model, attorneys present their clients’ views to each other and to the judge; at some point they agree, compromise, or agree to disagree, and then the judge makes a decision. This differs from the mediated model, or a hybrid application, such as collaborative or cooperative divorce, where both parties (husband and wife) sit down with a mediator / or other affiliated professionals and each party presents their views. The mediator then helps negotiate the points until there is consensus, drafts the documents, allowing the ex-partner to present the full documents to the court, and if the judge sees that the process and documents are appropriate and has no questions. , the divorce is canceled. then granted and completed.

In the litigated model, sometimes children are listened to and sometimes not, but in any case, the decision is made by the judge, which is final. In the mediated model, children are governed by the parents’ presentation of their requests to each other, and the parents make the decisions in terms of what they want, not a judge.

In this case, the main problem from the children’s perspective was their inability to be heard, heard by advocates and heard by their parents. Once heard, the problems could be resolved by the parents to the satisfaction of the family unit. Parents who are getting divorced need to listen to their children and understand that divorce affects everyone, not just them. While it is difficult to listen to children despite all the frustration and anger that parents show, it must be done. Sometimes parents think that only they are going to get divorced and the kids don’t really count, or aren’t old enough to deserve to be heard. This is a major mistake that can escalate into trouble down the road. Poor grades in school, stomachaches, skipping school, getting up late, not listening to teachers, alcohol and drug use are just some of the ways that children and adults react to stress and acrimony. divorce.

So what do we do?

First, we must realize that it is not just the husband and wife that are getting divorced. It is the family unit, the children, the house, the dogs, the cats, the fish, etc. It is everything that the home is, represents or maintains that will be shattered. We need to talk to the children together and explain exactly what is happening. We need to put our family first and come up with a schedule that makes sense. Putting children in untenable situations, asking them to make decisions about which parent they want to be with or not, is WRONG! Blaming children for the situation is WRONG! Even if children had something to do with it, we are supposed to be adults, and children should be able to be children.

We need to do what is best for the children, the family, and only then, for ourselves. For example, the programming should be similar to what children are used to. Also, by creating a visiting schedule, make time meaningful to you, the adult. Don’t try to schedule a time that you can’t commit to. Don’t try to schedule the time just because you want to frustrate or anger the other party. Do not use children to disturb the other side. In the end, you will only hurt yourself and, more importantly, your children. Set a schedule that makes sense to them and to you. If that means you can spend less time with the children but spend quality time with them, it will be better.

Getting angry only costs money, so why do so many people do it? While I realize it can be difficult, working with your ex in relation to the children will go a long way toward having a good divorce without all the frustration, anger, and spending money that many divorcing couples go through. . A good divorce always leaves more money for children and spouses than for lawyers. Sometimes our anger gets in the way and then we have to pay more money for advocates than we can give to our children. It does not make sense and we must have a realistic view of what is really happening. In short, in most cases there is no reason to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a contested divorce when mediation, cooperative divorce, and collaborative divorces are available.