Anchoring is an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) term used to describe the mind’s tendency to associate two unrelated events or experiences, especially when a strong emotion is present.

For example, if your mother gave you chicken soup when you were sick as a child, you will always associate chicken soup with being loved and cared for.

On the downside, if you once got food poisoning from eating contaminated pickles, the smell of the pickles alone will be enough to cause a feeling of nausea many years after the event.

How does anchoring work in relationships?

If you come home from work elated about a promotion and see your lover’s face, you will link that feeling of elation to the sight of her face. In the same way, if you hate your job and constantly talk about those feelings over dinner with your spouse, you will unconsciously begin to associate the bad feelings with him or her.

In that case, you should make a conscious effort to share more good times with them, so that you more easily associate positive feelings with the sight of their face.

Sharing good times creates anchors or positive associations. It helps you cope with the less positive moments that every couple experiences at some point in their relationship.

Breakup is often the result of attaching too many negative anchors to the sight of your partner’s face, not knowing how to counter them by deliberately creating positive anchors.

Here is a common example. A young doctor whose wife works to help him through medical school may decide to divorce her after graduation. This is because he associates the sight of her face with the difficult times they lived through during those years. Of course, all this is unconscious; all he knows is that he feels bad every time he looks at her. He mistakenly takes this as a sign that the relationship isn’t working out.

Now that you know how anchoring works, use it intentionally to improve your relationship.

1. Plan positive events together and make sure you don’t let any negativity get in the way of the event. Save arguments or disagreements for later.

2. During the height of an intensely positive moment you are sharing,

(a) touch your loved one gently on the knee or arm,

(b) shake the person’s hand, or

(c) put your arms around him or her.

The next time you repeat the same gesture with this person in some other context, it will reawaken in them some of those original emotions.

Similarly, if you touch someone in a specific way when they’re feeling sad—for example, you squeeze their shoulder or put your arm around their shoulders at a funeral—touching them later in the same way will arouse those sad feelings. So be careful what kind of emotions you’re associating with his touch, words, or face.

How does this apply to gifts?

A gift is by nature an anchor. Every time the recipient looks at the gift, she will remember the occasion she received it, especially if he experienced strong emotions at the time.

Therefore, you can help ensure that your gift is a strong and continuing anchor by making sure you create a truly memorable experience, such as an extremely romantic evening, when you present the gift.

A woman will always remember to follow a trail of rose petals in her lover’s apartment to find the necklace she bought for her birthday.

A man will always remember being presented with his own personal star by a lover dressed only in a star print bra and thong.

It is also important to consider the opposite effect.
Never give a gift as an apology. You don’t want to create negative anchors by giving gifts after an argument.

If you give your wife a diamond ring to apologize for catching you cheating on your secretary, the ring will always remind her of your infidelity.

If you give your husband a new watch to apologize for crashing his BMW, he will be reminded of your transgression every time he looks at the time.

Even if those memories don’t make it to consciousness, they lurk just below the surface. It makes more sense to allow them to fade, rather than attach them to physical objects as gifts.

Keep things simple. A genuine apology is all that is required after an argument. Save gifts for positive occasions.

© Margaret Bonneville