When your wife has a chronic illness, it can be hard for her to think about “romance.” She may be in a lot of physical pain, or she may also be experiencing side effects of the disease or medications, such as weight gain or loss, a “bloated prednisone,” or even an upset stomach. She may also be dealing with her career loss and her grievances.
Rest assured, you are not alone. Nearly 1 in 2 people in the US lives with a chronic illness, and many marriages are affected. Unfortunately, nearly seventy-five percent of them end in divorce when illness is that “third party” in the marriage.
Is it possible for you to make a difference and let her know that you want to have an affair with her? Of course! With a few simple ideas, she can put the spark back in her marriage.
Go ahead and buy her that box of chocolates, but if she’s watching her weight, don’t screw up her diet. Instead, look for Russell Stover’s Sugar Free Chocolate at your local Target or even the drugstore. Chocolate, along with coconut, walnuts, and many more, contain phenylethylamine, a chemical that produces the feeling of “being in love.” Good place to start, don’t you think?
Be affectionate by simply reaching out for her hand. Yes, I know you expect more than just holding hands with her, but if she is in physical pain, it will take some real romance on your part to distract her from the pain and get her to focus on you again. She rubs her back (gently!), Hug her, snuggle her and don’t push her for more. Very soon she will contact you.
To open your heart about how much you admire the strength he shows in the darkest of times. Let her know that you know living with illness is difficult and that you are lucky to be married to someone with such character and joy. Remind her that you love her and that you are with her “in sickness and in health.”
Pamper her by buying her something she wouldn’t splurge on. Let her know that he is listening to her by buying a CD that she says has one of her favorite news songs on it. Buy her a down comforter for a cozier bed. Brainstorm something she might enjoy when she’s not feeling well.
Schedule a retreat for her at home. Find childcare, bring home dinner, and don’t say anything when I get home at 6 pm and she’s still in her pajamas.
Write small notes that you can find at any time. And don’t forget to say thank you too! For example, if she does laundry, put a note in her own sock drawer to let her know when she puts her socks away that says, “I know doing laundry isn’t easy for you. love and how blessed I am.
Being romantic at home is not difficult. Buy a fondue pot and tell her you’ll be bringing home something to dip every Wednesday night so you can sit and chat by candlelight (and cheese, chocolate, marshmallow, etc.)
Having trouble starting some romantic conversations? Buy a book on conversation starters or fill a jar with themes. Do an online search for “romantic conversation starters.”
Don’t forget to make a few changes in the bedroom to spark a little romance. As silly as it sounds, candles, roses, and a great playlist on your ipod tell her that you cared enough to set the mood for her.
It’s no wonder women are complicated beings and you can rarely read her mind to know exactly what she needs and when she needs it. So make sure you ask him directly. “What’s on your mind the most these days? How can I help you more around the house? What can I do to let you know how much I love you?”
The good news is that perfection is not a requirement. Only by making the effort to increase the romance in the relationship will you get some big points. And he may not even allow you a chance to finish reading that book about romance with your wife, because if he sees you reading it, your willingness to read it may be all the romance he needs. One last piece of advice, doing the dishes or laundry really can be the best way to reach your wife’s heart.