I believe that true love and passion are real and authentic, but many times marriage is not. I feel like too many married couples pretend to be happy. I personally know many couples who are not truly happy in a fully committed monogamous marriage. The fact is that the old model of marriage is clearly not working as evidenced by divorce statistics, which indicate that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Some researchers say that at least 75% of marriages are sick or unhappy. For African Americans, divorce is the end result of two out of three Black marriages. When I first learned of this information, I was just getting started, and for the past several years, I have been studying marriage and divorce to understand why these challenges exist today. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. In fact, I do believe in the institution of marriage. My parents shared a great marriage for over 20 years when my father passed away. I grew up in a home where the marriage relationship was happy and healthy.
Most marriages, on the surface, look like a typical traditional marriage, but many of them are truly unhappy. This leads me to believe that marriage may be in the process of transitioning from our “parent generation” marriage to a more contemporary or modern type of marriage that will work for people today. However, many of us do not know how to achieve this type of marriage, nor do we know what this type of marriage looks like. Therefore, I explore open marriage relationships in my next book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.
Many will agree that marriage can be convenient; however, with too much routine and definition, marriage can be the death of a love relationship. Too many people have squeezed the love story out of their marriage and allowed bills, money, and/or petty arguments to block out the romantic aspects of their relationship. Single women feel sorry for married women because they tend to get stuck in a rut. Married women pity single women because they are lonely. However, we all want excitement and stability in our relationships, whether we are married or single.
Why do people get married?
People often get married because it is the tradition. Men and women have been marrying since before recorded history. Until recently, the United States was the most “married” nation in the world. But now many ask, “Do I have to be married to live happily ever after?” In today’s society, people have a strong desire to simply be happy, whether that means being married or single. Today fewer are getting married and more are getting divorced, and the single and divorced population is growing. The cost of divorce can be devastating both financially and emotionally, and many avoid marriage just to make sure they never have to go through divorce. With many marriages ailing or failing, some couples are considering various marriage alternatives so they can make informed and intelligent decisions about their own lives.
Romantic love has been the main reason for getting married, and remains so to this day. However, there are other factors that make people marry. Years ago there were more traditional reasons to get married. Women wanted to get out of their parents’ house, lose their virginity, or gain financial stability. In turn, the men wanted a wife to take care of them or help them fulfill their role as husbands and providers. Both men and women wanted to have children and start a family. Marriage was definitely created to raise children. In the past, couples stayed together because they had to stay married. The wife was a housewife and she didn’t have many options. Husbands were the sole provider for the family, so it would be frowned upon if she left. However, today many of these reasons for getting married no longer apply. Most men don’t really expect a woman to devote her entire life to him and her support, and likewise, many women no longer depend on men to pay their bills. Also, we rarely find women who want to get married just to have sex. Even pregnancy does not lead a couple to marry as it had in the past. Marriage in America has really changed due to social and cultural influences. For better or worse, this is the current state of marriage.
Thinking about the current state of marriage, I know that people really want to make sense of their own lives and understand how social and cultural forces have shaped marriage today. I myself wanted to better understand the new contemporary marriage models and the marriage trends of our current generation.
The rules of traditional relationships require that you be emotionally and sexually exclusive to one person forever. Therefore, many people in committed relationships are monogamous by default, not by choice. We learn through society that monogamy is what everyone is doing and is therefore expected in relationships. We are socialized to believe that true happiness can only be achieved in monogamous relationships. Although this goes against the natural inclinations of many people, they accept it and buy it. However, many people are realizing that it is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of her needs: emotional, sexual, spiritual, psychological, intellectual, financial, romantic, etc.
Some people have spent most of their lives dealing with the fact that they have struggled to be monogamous and keep their desires under lock and key. They have often been seen in situations of betrayal, deceit or infidelity. Well, the strongest argument for non-monogamy is that one person can’t meet all of our needs. In fact, for some people who have great physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, it is unrealistic for one person to meet all of those needs and desires. This often leads to disappointment when a partner cannot meet all of our expectations. In fact, open relationships can often keep us from having unhealthy codependent relationships—for example, relationships where we stay in out of fear of being without the person.
Open relationships offer an alternative to being a traditional couple. Open relationships are committed, but not exclusive, relationships that involve some degree of intimacy with multiple partners. These relationship agreements, also called “responsible non-monogamy,” can apply to both married and unmarried couples.
Open relationships provide the opportunity to meet, love and experience different people in your life. To determine if open relationships are right for you, you’ll need to do a lot of soul searching and self-analysis to come to your own conclusion. You’ll need to consider what you believe about monogamy and open relationships.