“I would feel great about our daughter being out of school if my in-laws weren’t driving me crazy with their doubts and criticisms,” an exasperated father says in his phone session.

“Why do you discuss your daughter’s education with them?” I ask.

Bob is silent. He finally says sheepishly, “Well, shouldn’t I?”

“Sure, if it adds joy and clarity to your life…but does it?” I question.

“No. It just ruins my confidence and my joy. Dina is doing great, playing, creating, dancing, but then her doubts rubbed off on me and I got worried.” Bob says and continues, “The talk about the fact that she still doesn’t read and doesn’t do math. She seems busy all day collecting slugs and feeding them.” Bob laughs, obviously appreciating his image of his son’s current passion for slugs.

Many of the parents who ask for my guidance complain about relatives who insist on sending their children to school. These relatives cannot imagine that a child will actually become a capable, social, and educated adult unless we lock him up for hours a day, for thirteen years, with groups of peers, and recite useless information into his ears. How little they think about the miracle called: child.

“If discussing Dina’s unschooling brings you stress and doubt, why do you do it?” I ask Bob. “I figured she was supposed to do it. They seem to insist,” he said.

However, family members respond to how we treat them and follow our cues. Inadvertently, Bob invites his relatives to vote on his son’s educational options.

It is best not to explain your parenting ideas to friends and relatives. The moment you try to convince them, you lose their respect, and more importantly, you invite them to vote on how you parent. You don’t owe them an explanation or justification. Your need to convince them undermines your self-confidence and they see themselves as part of the board of directors.

Instead, simply listen to them, validate by repeating and showing that you understand their concern, and don’t provide “defense” for your ideas. Defense is an invitation to participate.

It’s like saying, “I need to convince you because you have something to say.” You don’t need her approval, only yours.

Simulated dialogue with an opposite grandmother:

I asked Bob to pretend to be the judgmental grandmother of his family and I responded as Bob who respects and trusts himself:

Grandma (acting Bob): Dina should be at school, socializing and supporting each other. How will she learn everything she needs to know if she feeds slugs all day?

Bob (me acting): I heard how worried you are. It must be hard watching Dina play all day when you think she needs to be in school. I love that you’re so involved with her.

Grandma: Well, why don’t you listen to me? I know something too. How will you ever learn? Look at her, she can’t even read!”

Bob: Are you worried that I’m illiterate and can’t fit into society?

G: Yes, I am. And she won’t break free. Look how clingy she is with you. She needs to be with kids at school and learn social skills, reading, history and math…

B: I hear you. You are worried that she is too close to me, that she doesn’t know how to relate to people and that she is ignorant and unfit for life, is that it?

G: Good. Not so dramatic, but something like that. I think I should go to school.

B: I understand. You are sure that she should go to school. Obviously, it is difficult for him to see Dina spend her days freely, without classes or homework. You know, this isn’t going to get any easier. We are going down a different path than the one you see better. I’m not sure how I can help you feel better.

G: Well, just explain your crazy idea.

B: I love how much you care. But, I’m not good at talking about these things. I am learning. So the best I can help him with is by offering him something to read or a CD that he can listen to. There’s a CD set of Aldort, his keynote addresses at a conference on deschooling. Let me know if you’re interested in hearing them. And it’s okay if you’re not. I don’t expect you to get involved in this topic. You did your job when you were a mother, we are doing ours.

In real life, Grandma won’t last that long. When I do these mock conversations in phone sessions, letting the father be the grandmother, they often stop after the first two interactions, with laughter. By never getting on the subject, never defending her position, but always loving, appreciating, and understanding her relatives, she creates a connection without inviting them to be on her parenting committee.