A client just called us to order 5000 copies of a slim book I wrote years ago. He said he wished he had called sooner, before the factions hardened among the people of his corporation. Now several people who were fighting were proving that they were right about why the others were wrong. (Especially in times of conflict, we make negative assumptions about why others do what they do.)

I squirmed as he spoke and immediately recognized how I was doing exactly that with a person near and dear to me. It is one thing to be an “expert” and write about how to resolve conflicts, and quite another to practice what you preach. Have others of you also found that to be true?

So here are some points from that book that my client highlighted when she first bought it. They can help you as they are guiding me back to a more positive path:

Perhaps one of your most vulnerable moments is when someone criticizes you. If he knows you well and makes his sharp comments in front of others, he can go deeper. The clever scalpel of your words can be surgically fast and close to the bone, more damaging than the rubber hammer of a stranger’s light death. However, as the old saying goes, “what doesn’t kill us can make us stronger.”

Here are some specific ways to stay calm under fire and even demonstrate grace under pressure that bring people closer:

Watch as people show you their “operations manual”

People are most revealing when they offer praise or criticism. Praise indicates what they like most about themselves and how often they show what they like least or feel least competent about themselves, which means criticism is really a two-way mirror. How can you respond to another person’s criticism with honesty and grace, and actually gain new insights about yourself and the other person in the process?

First recognize that you are an animal under attack

Whether you’re with someone you love, hate, or just met, when you first realize you’re being criticized, you react the same way. Your heart beats faster, your skin temperature drops, and you even lose your peripheral vision. Because you feel under attack, your first instincts are to focus on that feeling, making it more intense. Then you feel like withdrawing or retaliating. Just remember that with any of the knee-jerk responses, you’re saying, “I don’t like your comments, so I’ll give you more power.”

Do not let someone else determine your behavior

Both the fight and flight responses leave you with fewer options, not more, so try not to do either. When you focus on your feelings, you distract yourself from hearing the content of the other person’s comments, leaving you more likely to react rather than choose how you want to act. Avoid a “showdown” or escalation of comments between the two of you.

Instead, imagine a triangle of three entities: the other person, you, and the subject of criticism. Imagine the two of you looking at the critique, the third point in the triangle, to work on the comments, instead of looking at each other, where one person has to be wrong.

Look at other people’s positive intention, especially when you seem to have none.

You are most charming when you compliment another person for taking the time to give you feedback. You take the wind out of her sails. The other person might even back off. However, our first instincts are to look for the ways in which we are right and others are…less right. When responding to criticism, the momentum of defensive emotions builds rapidly.

Praise what you want to bloom

Because? Because we mentally focus on the smart, thoughtful, and “right” things we’re doing, while obsessing over the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is doing, leading us to take a superior position or fair, become more rigid. , and listen less as the criticism continues. As difficult as it may be for you, try to be aware of your worst side and the other person’s best side as you respond to criticism.