Quick: Raise your hand on how many wellness fighters have pushed away someone they didn’t want to hurt or burden because of what’s on their minds. Oh right, you are there. Well, I know the feeling is quite common because I hear it constantly. I understand where you come from. I have done it myself in the past. Today I understand that I was wrong for several reasons. There is no reason why we mentally ill people cannot have satisfying and loving relationships. The way we approach our relationships should be different than what would be considered typical.

* But I don’t want to hurt the people I love

No matter what you do, the other person is going to suffer from time to time. Pain, pain, and misunderstandings are normal parts of a relationship. Navigating the rough waters and forgiving is what makes a relationship successful. Also, your partner has a brain of his own. They can decide for themselves if they feel like they are over their heads. Of course, our challenges are different. All you are doing is changing the flavor of those challenges by pushing them onto someone else.

* But how do we make it work then?

– The Well Partner: Learn to identify the symptoms of when your partner is unwell. Remember that your perception will be biased. They will say and do things based on what their mind tells them to be true. Unfortunately, there are many times that we don’t realize that we are in a period of malaise until we look back at the smoking ruins and wonder what happened. You must learn not to take seriously everything that your sick partner tells you. When they rebalance, their opinion is likely to change completely again. Try to forge an agreement in which you will handle the main responsibilities while your partner is unbalanced.

– The sick partner – Do you trust your partner? If you do, then you have a powerful tool to help you find and maintain your balance. Help them understand what their indicators are. That way, you have a person you can trust to say “Hey, are you feeling bad?” instead of trying to figure it out on your own. You must understand that during your periods of discomfort, reality will not be as your brain tells you. Don’t make quick decisions and then stick with them right away. Clarify and seek the absolute truth at the center of each perception. Do this long enough and you will start to do it out of habit.

* Always seek the absolute and fundamental truth of perception

One of my favorite metaphors that is applicable is that of the dark car. You and a friend see a dark car go by. One says “it’s a pretty black car.” The other says “no, that’s navy blue”. The absolute fundamental truth is that there is a car. The perception of the individual dictates whether it is black or navy blue and they respond accordingly. Now we apply it to a circumstance of life.

You are a bipolar man and you are going to pick up your wife at work. When he leaves, his wife hugs a co-worker. A sick mind can take this in several directions. “She must be cheating, I’m going to sink her face” or “I knew she would eventually leave me. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. It would be better if I was dead so she can be free.” “Both lines of thinking are based on your perception of the situation.

The central and absolute truth is that she just hugged someone. Maybe she had a baby. Maybe someone he loved died. All you have to follow is what you saw and how your mind perceives it. Instead of reacting immediately to thoughts of attacking or killing yourself; go back to the central truth and ask about it. An unhealthy thought process will rarely coincide with what reality really is.

It’s not about turning someone you love into your caregiver. It’s about tackling the problem along with a coherent plan and course of action. You will have many opportunities to return that care and understanding later. When you are well, you do what you can to ease the burden on your partner so they have time to recover. Your relationship will fail if you cannot allow your partner to understand your illness. To be successful, both parties must learn to manage a relationship with the present mental illness. You can be successful and enjoy a happy relationship.