Pain is our soul’s way of expressing need. This raw emotion is complex and simple at the same time. Simple because it is innate and human. Everyone will experience it at some point in their life. Pain becomes complex when it cuts its way deep into our hearts and souls, changing who we were and challenging us to emerge as someone different. It can be the “beast” or a blessing. However, we rarely talk about grief and pain. We treat it privately and personally, as if only we could own it.

Pain creeps into our lives when a loved one dies. We recognize the all-encompassing emotion before and after the funeral. It speaks to the dramatic life change that awaits us and shatters our security in the world we once knew. We fear his tenacious grip and shudder at his humility. Instinctively, we know, pain can be a destructive force if we allow it to be our companion for too long; and ignoring pain will only create bigger problems. Therein lies the dilemma… how can we move beyond pain to find peace and joy that empower us and lead us to transformative destinations?

The important thing about pain

Even when we have sadness, we can still have a ray of hope. Our lives are a series of events. We have layer upon layer of experiences. Some repeated, but all contribute to making us who we are. These layers are a composite of our challenges, our achievements, our disappointments, our successes, and our failures. Each one forms the basis of “wisdom” that comes with time and the life lived. We can look at our past and recognize that we have gone through other changes.

Looking back, Gary and I recognize how much we have been changed by experiences of significant loss. And while we’ve been involved in grievance education and support for nearly 2 decades, grief still finds a way to impact us. It is comforting to help others through those difficult first months and years. It reminds us of the path we once walked and how far we’ve come. In our groups, we bond with others who are suffering. And when one of us suffers, we all suffer together. Sadness walks with me.

Some people come to our groups with deep regret and high hopes of finding something magical that will erase the pain and return them to the “old me.” Although this is not likely to happen in such a short time, what they do find is hope in each other’s stories. Grief is part of the grieving process that requires accepting the pain and learning to live with it. Shakespeare says: “Give him words of sadness.” When we talk about our pain, we begin to heal the pain and ease the burden we carry with us. Such camaraderie in groups allows us to recognize that we are not alone.

With pain come tears. Tears tell a story that words cannot describe. Tears don’t heal pain, but they start the process that helps us heal pain. Tears help us express our emotions, tears come and go, usually at the most inconvenient times! A fleeting memory, a touching song, a familiar face can provoke the emergence of not forgotten, but courageously suppressed emotions. I find value in the tears that say that we have not become embittered with the world; intolerable to others; insensitive to misfortune; or oblivious to human suffering. Tears are little blessings of cherished moments, treasured memories, and outpourings of unconditional love.

Pain should walk with each of us for a period of time in grievance. It is the price we pay for love. It pays tribute to a relationship that has fed our soul and lightened our spirit. It means that the battle has started and has not yet been won.

A cure for pain?

We are often asked this familiar question: “How long before I get over my complaining and can stop crying?” I don’t think there is a time limit to express emotions through tears. Gary and I still encounter moments of tears and outbursts of sadness.

There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. To her grievance, she turned to the holy man and said: “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”

Rather than dismiss her or reason with her, he told her, “Bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never known pain. We will use it to drive the pain out of your life.” The woman immediately set out in search of that magical mustard seed.

First he came to a splendid mansion, knocked on the door and said: “I am looking for a home that has never known pain. Is this a place like that? It is very important to me.” They told him, “You have certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had happened to them recently.

The woman said to herself: “Who can better help these poor unfortunate people than I, who have had my own misfortune?” She stayed to comfort them, then she continued to search for a home she had never known pain. But everywhere she looked, in slums and elsewhere, she found story after story of sadness and misfortune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grievances that she eventually forgot about her search for the magic mustard seed, not realizing that she had, in fact, removed the pain from her life.

Each of us who walk this journey through pain comes to the fork in the road. A fork where you must decide: Will I heal my wrong? Or will I be forever angry, bitter, and miserable over my loss?

If we choose to knock on the doors of our neighbors, our co-workers, and our friends, it is unlikely that we can bring back a mustard seed from a home that has not known pain. Grief thrives in various guises, such as divorce, physical illness, family dysfunction, job stress, and personal emptiness.

how to cure pain

There is a valuable lesson from this tall tale, one that speaks to each of us as a way to heal our own pain. The best cure for pain is to recognize and look for someone who has a greater reason for pain than yours. By sharing their burden, listening to their story, or helping them face their pain, you can discover peace and move past the misery you are experiencing.

How do we do this? They all have a story. Many stories lead to life changes and transformed lives. Ask for. Listens. Then, give your own words of sadness.

Healing your grievance and your grief involves validating your true feelings. You run the risk of remembering sad moments in your life, moments that you may not have honored until now. You run the risk of being deeply moved, understanding the need for compassion, and facing the fact that you care deeply about the loss you have experienced. You can cry. You can laugh. You may even get angry, because it hurts when you feel that life has treated you unfairly. You may want to hold on to your past, but recognize that there is no future there. You can think of things you have never thought of before. You can evaluate your life today and rethink your future. You will know what it means to love and to have been loved. Pain teaches us the last lessons of life.

Although she (pain) can walk with you; she doesn’t need to become his constant companion. She will lead you to the fork in the road where it will be your choice to be bitter or better. Which will you choose?