After the glow of the honeymoon period in a relationship fades and we regain full awareness of our reality by taking off our rose-tinted glasses, we slowly become aware of the little and not-so-little imperfections in our partner.

Depending on our need for perfection, little by little we begin to work on repairing our partner.

It’s usually a couple who feel the need to suggest improvements the most and these can range from an updated wardrobe, removing excess hair, squeezing pimples to messing with a shirt that’s too tight. In addition to personal enhancements, there may also be suggestions on books to read, encouragement on courses to join, bonding with a specific group of friends, or gently controlling your partner’s choice of the amount of time spent alone or with other friends.

Relationships are ultimately one of the main pathways to increasing self-awareness and self-actualization. Through mirroring with an intimate and attentive partner, hidden or unhealthy behaviors, habits or previously unattended defects are discovered. This pattern is driven by a person’s need for perfection (the one you want to fix). Therefore, it also has the potential to be beneficial in addressing that need in a constructive way beyond the ‘want-to-fix’.

The process of managing and therefore learning and growing from that pattern begins with your awareness. Your reading of this article is an indication that there is some degree of awareness. If you found yourself smiling at their example instead of downplaying or arguing with them, it’s a good change that you’re willing to try and progress to a new level.

So once you are aware of your pattern, ask yourself the following questions and write down some of the answers:

1. How is imperfection, bad habit, etc. reflected in my identity? of my partner?
2. What does it mean to me and who I am if my partner’s presentation or actions are not up to my standards?
3. How do I feel and think when I see something in my partner that does not sit well with me?
4. What do I feel and think once I have corrected the ‘mistake’?
5. What do I think and feel about my ‘wanting-to-fix-my-partner’ pattern?
6. From whom might he have modeled or learned this behavior?

Answering these questions will give you insight into the structures that underlie attachment behavior.

This is your invitation to practice detachment from identity, status, the opinions of others, and your programming. To uncover even more underlying drives, stop fixing your partner and notice what comes up: Justifications? Reasoning? Any other feelings or thoughts?

What if you gave yourself permission to feel that instead of engaging in the behavior?