On May 13, 2010, when I woke up that morning, no one could have convinced me where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distraught, anxious and completely lost. The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I didn’t have a car, I wouldn’t have a job; money was an issue, I found out I had a herniated stomach, and worst of all, my girlfriend had run off with her ex within 24 hours.

The pain was so unexpected and out of my control, that it took me to a dark place, that it took me months to get over it. It was that week The lesbian guru was created, I felt so alone in the lesbian community and dumbfounded by the complexities of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.

Even after I got a new car, got promoted to a new job, money issues were resolved, got accepted into a Ph.D. program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized that she was still hurt and lost.

Seven months would pass; women entered and left my life, with the bitter taste of their ghost staining my memory. Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of healing the day she was born, and she was given the opportunity to leave her imprint on my skin. Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to acknowledge her love. Seven months of bread.

Late in the fall, after much self-exploration and questioning, I decided that maybe there was such a thing as “never really forgetting a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces would be missing inside of me and that life needed to keep moving.

It was at this time on a Sunday afternoon as I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, crying one last time in each other’s arms of our past loves and hurts that my phone lit up with an incoming message. At first I thought I had misread the name, but as soon as I looked at it better I threw up. Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to look for me (when I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out loud and then looked at me with that WTF look just happened.

It was a “sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotional. I’d be lying if I said it’s not something I prayed for or didn’t care about. I cared. I cared more than I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel. A part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other part just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know why.

I think that was when the reconciliation began for me. When a door to a relationship opens, we have many options. Most of me wanted to go inside, leaving the door wide open so I could walk out at any moment. I took a step in her direction; remembering that my intentions are to always be honest, keep an open mind and have limits, not walls, and never punish her for leaving me.

People never break and the human heart is never beyond repair, but when you reconcile with someone, it takes everyone in the relationship to want to do it. Reconciliation is a goal and requires a team to achieve it; one person cannot do all the work nor is it fair.

Here are ten tips to help as you begin the reconciliation process:

1. It starts with friendship. When my ex came back into my life we ​​made it clear that we would be friends. We were so determined to restore mutual trust to that level that we waited over a month to physically see each other again. The wait was worth it!
2. We gave ourselves permission to “ask anything and keep no secrets.” This came with an additional side note “no details please”. We also gave each other space to feel anger and hurt, but express it appropriately when we were both calm and ready to listen.
3. This is an absolute “no-no”, no yelling, yelling, insults or threats. Don’t harass them by texting or calling them multiple times! What’s done is done, and if you’re not willing to leave it in the past, you can forget about it working in the future. Also, don’t play the victim or use the past as a weapon, eg, “you used to do this, you used to do that.”
4. Set some rules and limits. From time to time you have to set your limits. “There are certain things I can’t and won’t be okay with, it’s not a secret and I don’t expect you to read my mind so I’ll share them with you.”
5. More limits. Everyone I have allowed in knows this about me very well. I’m open to everyone and anyone, but if you hurt me and I give you a chance and you blow it, there are no more chances after that. I’ve learned that people won’t change if they don’t have too, so if you keep giving them chance after chance, there really is no point in the person listening to you because they already know they’ll get away with it. I always forgive those who have hurt me and then let them go with an open heart, eg. “I wish you all the love and happiness in the world, thank you for the time you shared with me.”
6. Once you say you are ready to forgive, the work is up to you to do it. Forgiveness comes from within, so only you can make it happen.
7. It takes two to get the wheels of a relationship turning, so we all need to accept responsibility and fix the problem. Sometimes it’s not just about the other person who hurt us changing, but you included. It can be hard work as we may need to change our attitudes and actions. Consider counseling and therapy if there are too many bumps in the road.
8. Don’t beg, it changes the power situation in a relationship and makes you feel like shit. You will not need to beg if your actions and intentions are true, she will be able to see them.
9. Keep family and friends out of it. If you need to talk about it, that’s what we have in the mental health profession for “impartial individual trained to listen.” You don’t need anyone’s approval because if he tells you he loves you, he should always be there to understand and support you. There are some who didn’t want my ex back in my life, but were supportive enough to know to shut the fuck up with their opinions and just spread the love (thanks, you’re a true friend!).
10. Always communicate calmly and rationally or you will just scare them away. Remember what brought the two of you together and why it’s worth fighting for, but do it in a mature way!

Nothing is guaranteed in life, we can only do as well as with what we have been given and understand. I don’t know if this relationship will work and I don’t care. I only care that some things are too big to pass up and that an opportunity for a life of true happiness can be found when anger, jealousy and mistrust are left behind; and compassion and love have taken their place.

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru