Before you go on this date, make sure you agree with yourself. You don’t want to get caught fighting with yourself over a decision when you need to make one. Decide ahead of time which behaviors and situations will be acceptable to you and which will not. As long as you are comfortable and feel that these boundaries have not been crossed, you can relax and flow with what is happening. But, once a line is crossed, you must be willing to take control of yourself and not accept something that you find uncomfortable, unacceptable, or dangerous.

You’re likely to get nervous when you’ve just dated someone, and knowing your boundaries can help you stay safe and get this relationship off to a good start. If you’ve decided your limits beforehand and have thought about how you would handle it if a limit is crossed, it means you’ll already know what to do and won’t have to think about your responses on the spot. This is very helpful when you may be nervous, excited, or not thinking clearly. I usually recommend talking face to face as soon as possible, because you get so many clues, including pheromones, that you don’t get over the phone, text, email, or video. However, these are not normal times, and we are sheltering in place, so face to face is out, unless you want to risk being within six feet of each other. Keep in mind that people can be infected and not know it, so be very careful. Online dating is the best option, because you can connect via video, phone, text, and email. The face-to-face meeting should be postponed until after isolation has taken place. Keep in mind that while most people will be genuine, some bad actors can fake things and fool you.

I. Some examples of setting clear and healthy boundaries for yourself in a new relationship are:

• Decide to stay safe by social distancing and wearing a mask. In case you find wearing a mask uncomfortable, deciding ahead of time that you’ll wear one (you can choose one that matches your outfit, is artistic, or makes a statement) means you’ll stay safe and show your date you care about the health of both. If you are going to have a drink or eat something, take your mask off for that and then put it back on. Most places you will go require a mask anyway.

• Decide how much and what to eat or drink. This prevents you from drinking too much or eating things that may be bad for you because you feel caught off guard on the date. For example, if your date suggests a restaurant you’re not used to, you’ll feel more comfortable knowing your food and drink preferences ahead of time.

• Deciding not to get into a car with someone you just met and don’t know well. This means you will not be subject to drunk driving, bad behavior, or just plain bad driving with a stranger.

• Decide to meet only in public places until you have a chance to meet the person you are meeting with. This keeps you safe and helps you keep things within limits. This will also help you socially distance until you know more about how well this person is protecting themselves and therefore you.

• Decide when it is okay to have sex. If you know ahead of time that you won’t have sex for several dates, you won’t be as likely to make bad decisions when emotionally charged.

• Decide to set a spending limit. You should know how much you are willing to spend before dating someone. If your date has more money and spends it lavishly on you, you’ll need to let him know that you won’t reciprocate, or that reciprocity will be a home-cooked meal for a fancy restaurant. The way you and your date handle money and can talk about money is a critical component of whether you will be successful in a relationship. After a few dates, you can talk about finances (for example, you have a good job, but you want to pay off student loans or save for a house. Or, you have financial problems because you just got out of school or some other circumstance).

II. A guide to safe dating (physically and emotionally) in times of COVID-19

• Be skeptical, not gullible. When you meet men online, you have no way of knowing who they are. There are documented cases of prisoners tricking gullible people into sending them money, getting married, etc. online. Don’t be afraid to ask for details, Google any dates that interest you enough, ask to speak with friends and family. Don’t keep secrets about your potential date.

• Be realistic, not romantic. Don’t develop a date fantasy until you know the facts. It can be a tough world out there, and being realistic helps you achieve real goals, like a loving relationship.

• Focus on friendship. Focus on developing friendship. The romance continues later, after you’ve seen your date and have met in person.

• Don’t tell your date too much: Don’t give your address or place of work until you know who it is. If you have children, protect them by being discreet and careful.

• Pay attention to how your date acts, what they say; seeks to discover character, do not be fooled by appearance and charm.

• Don’t assume it’s exclusive if you haven’t discussed it.

• Don’t be too shy. The media focus on youth and fitness can make you feel insecure and unattractive. When you’re in a video, look your best (appropriate) and then forget about it. Instead of worrying about what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

• Be your own date: Sheltering in place is a perfect time to get to know yourself better. Consider your own personality, character and qualities: How do you feel about yourself? Learning to enjoy your own company means you’ll be more confident and relaxed around other people, including potential dates. Use this extra time to develop your style, consider what you want a date to know about you, and what you want to know about a date. That will be the foundation of your eventual dating success.

3rd Limits for after the first date or the first dates:

• Don’t expect a text or call after a date. You can’t control when someone will send you a text, but you can decide not to send it until you get a response. This prevents you from stalking your date over text and gives you a chance to gauge how receptive this date is. You need to know what your date’s response time is, and that also gives you a clue about your date’s feelings towards you.

• Decide how often you want to see each other. You should have an idea of ​​how often you want to see a new date, but you’ll also need to consider things like your date’s times and availability. But if you have an idea of ​​how often you’d like to date, at least in the beginning, you’ll have something to go by if your date asks.

• Decide whether or not to invite them to things with your friends. Like I said, in normal times, I recommend getting a new date with friends as soon as possible, because your friends can give you valuable feedback. Decide to meet up for something safe and limited, perhaps a video meeting or a socially distanced gathering, to see how your friends and your date are treating each other. The way your date handles meeting up with his friends can tell you a lot about your date.

• Decide to clarify your communication style. If you prefer not to text and want to have conversations on the phone or in person, it’s important to let your date know if you think future dates are a good idea. It’s good to know if you or your date is willing or able to talk at work. Also clarify how often you would like to communicate with each other and if you want them to let you know before they ask you out. For example, a few days before instead of the day your date wants to go out, unless there is a special reason.

• Be clear about the commitment you are looking for. This is a discussion you have with yourself first. If you want a casual, non-binding dating relationship, you need to let your date know, and probably also why you want that. If you finally want to get married and have kids, you don’t need to bring it up until you go on a few dates and see if you have the components to last. Bringing it up too soon is presumptuous and can be offensive to your date. It’s okay to say “I’m looking for something serious and long-lasting” without going into details. If you have young children from a previous relationship, you should also disclose that well in advance. You don’t want to get stuck in a relationship with someone who won’t like your kids.

IV. How to stick to your decisions:

• Limits change as you learn more. At first, however, set the line fairly high. If your new date shows signs of anger, drunkenness, hysteria, rudeness, disrespect (such as leaving you alone and flirting with others), recklessness, or other embarrassing or dangerous behavior, be not courteous or tolerant. Remember, your date is supposed to be on her best behavior and if you put up with it, it will only get worse. Many people do this backwards, excusing behavior that they shouldn’t, and then hurting or upsetting themselves.

• Don’t hesitate to leave if necessary. If you’re driving for the two of you, tell your date you’re going to take you home right away. If you’re not the one driving, tell your date you’d like a ride home (unless the driver’s been drinking too much), and if that doesn’t work, go home by taxi, friend or relative, ride-sharing service , or public transport. You need to set things up so that you always have the ability to leave.

• Drop off your date, male or female, at a restaurant, club, party, or movie if their behavior is seriously out of character. This is the precise reason why you need to be prepared in advance. If the date is your gift, leave enough money to pay the bill or see the server before you leave.

• If you stick to your limits on the first date, you’ll find that your date will get the message and move on (bon voyage!) or apologize and correct the unacceptable behavior.

© 2020 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today https://tinyurl.com/jwjnk666