Sometimes I hear from people who wish their spouse would just grow up when it comes to conflict within their marriage. Often one spouse is very willing to sit down and work through their problems like an adult, while the other apparently is not.

I heard of a wife who said, “My husband and I handle our fights very differently. I never want to go to bed angry. I hate conflict. I immediately want to sit down and work on whatever’s going on. I don’t like knowing there’s tension.” between us. But he doesn’t seem to mind if we’re drifting further and further away from each other. When my husband and I used to go out, I hated going near him at home because his parents always openly fought. There was always a lot of slamming and yelling. It made me feel very uncomfortable because that’s not the way I was raised. My parents rarely raise their voices. But my husband has no problem yelling and losing his cool. And lately, when I try to get him to sit down and talk about our problems, I says that talking won’t solve everything and gets cranky. When I do something he doesn’t like, he withdraws his affection and seems to shut me out to punish me. He practically shuts up and this dri you see me crazy. Sometimes it’s almost like I’m seeing a little boy throwing a tantrum. I want it to grow. I want him to sit and talk to me like a mature adult. This is our marriage and the rest of our lives we are talking about. But my husband just won’t see this. Instead, he seems perfectly happy to continue communicating in this childish way. What I can do?”

I felt that this wife was right to be very concerned about this issue. Many experts say that the way a couple fights and handles conflict is a very good indicator of whether that same couple will eventually end up divorced. The couples who stay married and who maintain a close bond are the couples who have learned to argue constructively. It’s okay to fight. In fact, it is important to clean the air from time to time. But it is also vital that the fight does not become personal. It’s okay to attack the problem. It’s not okay to attack your spouse. It’s not okay to make it personal. You can hate the habit or the behavior, but you can’t imply that you hate your spouse, at least not if you want your marriage to be healthy.

And it is very damaging and hurtful when one of the spouses has affection or tries to punish the other during or after a disagreement. Because things just tend to escalate and deteriorate from there. So I agreed that it was vital for this couple to learn how to solve their problems constructively. The wife was more than willing to do this, so now it was time for the husband to join in.

Make your husband understand the need to fight fairly: The wife had been trying to shame or blame her husband into changing the way he related to her in the conflict. In short, they had developed a kind of parent-child relationship. She would take the right path and imply that he was being immature and childish. And while all of those things may have been somewhat accurate, bringing this to his attention probably won’t inspire him to change. Instead, he will only make her angrier and more motivated to improve his behavior.

I think the best way to start is to have a calm and thoughtful discussion when things start to take a turn for the worse. The next time the husband falls back into this destructive way of dealing with conflict, the wife might say something like, “I need to stop you, honey. Because this is starting to become a destructive place and I don’t want this to follow us.” going on. The point of us discussing this is to resolve it and stop the conflict. But right now we’re discussing something that’s not even part of the original problem. This is just making things work. I know that’s how you’re used to dealing with conflict, but it’s very painful for me and I don’t feel like it’s doing us any good. Why don’t we regroup and talk about the real issues at hand? I’m going first.”

Then state your side of the story as constructively as possible. When he has finished, stop and ask him to state his point of view. If it starts to fall back into its old patterns, stop it again and redirect it.

Bringing your attention to this is the key. Since the husband grew up in a tumultuous home, she really didn’t know any other way. That is why it is important to be patient and try to redirect it gently. You don’t want to tell him that he is being childish or immature. Instead, you just want to show him how to do it better. And when she does, she promises to offer all kinds of positive reinforcement. Because the whole idea is to make her want to do better and give her the tools to do it.

This can mean that sometimes you have to lead by example and this can feel unfair at times. It may seem that you are the one taking all the initiative. But as he continues, he should develop a new way of communicating that is vital to saving his marriage. Because if these two continued to fight in the destructive way that had become a habit, the future of their marriage could be in doubt. And he doubted this was what either of them wanted.