Because the three communication skills that generate win-win solutions and build trust and respect are:

* LIST to the responses generated by,
* ASKING many questions and
* ABSTRACT periodically, as a means of feedback.

Do you want to be a brilliant communicator? Do you want to influence others easily? Is it part of your self-improvement program? If so, learn to listen, question and summarize.

Let’s take a closer look at each of them.

listening It is the most important and effective of communication skills. If you want to be a great conversationalist or you want to be good at rapport and building relationships with others, or you want to be in control and influence people, learn to listen. However, this is not the same as listening. It is defined as: making a deliberate effort to understand the meaning of what is heard

This means that when you register a sound (hear it) you do some work within your mind and body, you strain (hear it). For example, you interpret the sound to determine, does it matter? You wonder what the meanings of the sound could be. You associate the sound with other experiences in your internal mental and emotional databases. You ask if the sound needs a response and, if so, what? You think about the implications of the sound for yourself and for others and, internally, you ask yourself a lot of questions about it. In this way, you are making a deliberate effort to understand the meaning of what you heard: you are listening. Listening is hard work as it requires high levels of mental energy and concentration.

In any communication between people there are two things happening at the same time (at least). At one level, there is the content of the communication: what are they communicating about? On another level, there is the process and the relationship: how and why do they communicate? This may include, for example: are they communicating in a way that creates trust or suspicion? Are they creating mutual respect or disdain? Are you enjoying the experience? Will your relationship be stronger or weaker as a result of this communication? Listening can be tailored to one or both levels. There is also another language that needs to be “heard” – body language – with skillful observation and interpretation.

Asking it means questioning, of course, and there are different types of questions and different things are achieved. Here are seven really useful question types:

1. Specific, precise and closed questions – very useful to obtain precise and objective information (as long as the person who answers tells the truth). This type of question will usually get you the facts, but that may be all you get. If you want things to flow a bit more, you’ll want to use open-ended questions.

2. open questions – very useful to get the other person to talk and share opinions.
Great when you’re not sure what you’re looking for or when you want to build relationships and establish rapport or when you want to be in receiving mode.

3. If you combine 2. and 1. above, in that order, you will create funnel questions. Funnel questions work like a funnel in that they start out very broad (open-ended questions); you listen to the answers and select something to ask a question in more detail (your questions are becoming more limited); you listen to the answers you get now and ask even more focused questions to channel (ie specific, precise, closed questions).

4. comparative questions – ask a person to think of a situation, think of a different situation and compare them. Comparison questions are great for revealing what someone cares about and values.

5. summary questions – ideal for checking that the messages being communicated are being understood as intended. They also help you stay in control and ensure that you and others don’t get sidetracked all over the place (unless you want to, of course).

6. short questions – intended to keep you, the receiver, the receiver and the other person talking, as well as making progress in whatever the communication is about. Short questions are usually six words long: “what? who? when? how? where? and why?” The most inquisitive of these questions is, “why?” Depending on the situation, handle this question with consideration for the other person, as it may come across as aggressive or make the other person feel inadequate.

7. the seventh type of question is the absence of a spoken question – it is a pause or silence
In some situations, especially if your communication with another person has reached a sore point, the approach that will elicit the best response is to shut up, maintain supportive eye contact and body language, and wait. Most people don’t like the silence that ensues and the other person may speak up and reveal more information. Of course, there is a judgment to be made here, as pauses or silences that last too long can be embarrassing and weaken the relationship. The judgment is, how long is too long?

summarizing it means accurately repeating the message that has been conveyed. It is time and effort very well invested because:

* ensure understanding
* show that active listening is taking place
* build relationships (eg trust, respect, mutual support)
* confirm or clarify key points
* explore any perceived contradictions
* explore any new information
* reinforce openness and honesty
* confirm common ground
* create opportunities to correct any errors in the communication process.

Summarizing is really valuable, but you rarely see it in communications. It’s a great listening test, of course. If you can’t accurately summarize what was said, you probably weren’t listening in the first place (which is pretty insulting to others, right?).

In short, the golden triangle of communication skills (listening, questioning, and summarizing) is the key to great solutions and building trust and respect with others.